"When I Knew You"

I never thought it would end up like this
I can hear you laughing, as I’m crying on my bed
I’ll tell you that I’m alright, even though you know I’m lying
Everything replays inside of my head.

The time you kissed me,
When you held me close to your body
I swear I couldn’t breathe
When you touched me, when you grabbed my hand
I lost composure with every word you said.

I’ll stay true to what I know
It’s so hard to let you go.
I need something else to get me by.

I’ll be here when your world falls to pieces
When the ground starts to crumble beneath your feet.
And if the pain ever ceases, I need some reassurance
That the memories you’ve stained me with will cease to exist.

The tears that I’ve shed for you still linger
Within each letter that I had never mailed to you.
I'll keep reading every line over and over
Wishing that there was something I could possibly do.

I’ll stay true to what I know
It’s so hard to let you go.
I need something else to get me by.

So let me know that you’ll be here
When I whisper, just tell me you’ll be there
When I see you in the dreams that change to nightmares.

So don’t hold back what you’re feeling
When the ceiling gets too high for you to reach
I’ll be the shoulders you can climb on
You know you can always count on me.

"Fire Side"

This vacant evening leaves me unhindered
The cloudless night tattoos stars in the sky
Its serene and voiceless surroundings
Hooks me to the fire's side.

It's time to think now.

"So Long Troy High!"

It's the end of those four years
Those four years called Highschool
And I'm so glad that I'm done.

Say so long!
Say farewell!
Because this goodbye is long over-due.

I'm off to bigger and better things
College.
Career.
A true-blue life.

I'm never going to turn back.
I'm never going to forget.

In those four years, I've learned who I truly am
I've loved, I've lost
I've laughed, I've cried.

I've gained so much experience.
I wouldn't change it for the world.

So--

Drama. Drama. Drama--
This is where I bid you adieu!

"It's Raining"

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
I love it when it rains.
So calming
So pretty
Washing everything away.

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
Torrential downpour.
Thunder
Lightning
Devouring the storm.

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
I'll dance in its wind
Twirling
Spinning
Here it goes again.

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
Pure serenity
Untouched
Unscarred
It drives me crazy

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
I always look forward to this
The rush
The feeling
Nothing compares to it.

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
I can see the sky now
It’s blue
It’s misty
The storm is calming down.

Drip drop~
Drip drop~
I guess it's time to leave
Goodbye
Farewell
Don't ever forget me.

"Trip"

Why does it seem like
Every time I try to walk
I trip?

I'm sick of walking on eggshells
Stepping over cracks
Just to keep my balance.

It's ludicrous.

"Tragedy"

Tragedy--
Love.
Hate.
Believing
Trusting lies.

Drama--
Crying.
Screaming.
 I'm  already
Going insane.

Lonliness--
Fear.
Longing.
  need
A cry for help.

Disguise--
Smiling.
Pretending.
   Masking
Forgetting the pain

Hope--
Praying.
Wishing.
  It's hard
Trying to stay positive.

Regrets--
None.

Everything--
Misunderstood.
Underestimated.
   I can't
Hard to keep myself contained.

            your
It's all of my fault.

"Freedom is Seldom"

Am I free?

Is this what freedom feels like?
Acceptance--
Forgiveness--
Apathy?

Am I free?

When I look at you
I no longer feel the hurt.
When I think of you
I no longer feel the longing.

Am I free?

Am I just relaxing before another relapse?
Am I just masking everything?
Is this just the calming before the storm?

Am I really free?

I no longer want to cry in the morning
However, the feeling comes at night.
It's only when I'm all alone
Just like everyone else.
I think.
I ponder.
I wonder.

Is this freedom?

Perhaps I'm locked inside of myself
Perhaps there's no such thing as a key
Maybe there's no such thing as a better you
But, still, I think.
I ponder.
I wonder.

Am I truly, undoubtedly free?

No.

But I will be soon.

"Me Being Me"

I'm sick and tired of messing myself up
All because of someone insignificant.
Obviously, they've taken over my mind
But I would if I could do anything to help it.

The way it is, is stifling
It's like I have two hands around my neck
Or it's as if I'm being controlled by someone
Fiddling with strings attached to my back.

With the way that I have been treated by you
One would think you're negligible
Nonetheless, despite your mistreatment
All you are, to me, is tangible.

Your inconceivable actions are just as described
But I still can't grasp the hoax
It's priceless the way you think you've won
But your confidence is just a cloak.

You shroud yourself in apathy
Covering everything behind a veil
But all of your terrible initiatives
Will never hide the fact that you're frail.

Me, however, I'm pretty damn strong
And I'm not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve
I may be a helpless romantic on the inside and out
But that's just me being me.

I'm not afraid to meander through my thoughts
Taking risks, taking chances, trying love
I'm proud of who I am, inside and out
Because if I were less, it wouldn't be enough.

If I were less, it wouldn't make me happy
If I were more, I just wouldn't be the same
If I were different, hell, I wouldn't be as fun
And I'll never take the initiative to change.

If the way I am doesn't please you
Then, please, you have the honor to leave
I'll open the door, and I'll escort you out
Because that's just me being me.

(;

Happy Mother's Day!

Every year since 8th grade, I have been writing my mother a poem for Mother's Day!

Here's this year's poem--

Hey, Mama!
Here goes another Mother's Day
And here comes another poem
About how much I love You! <3

So, Mama--
You're more than just a mom--
You're my one and only
My teacher
My refuge
My sanctuary
My best friend.
I love You, Mom.

I know I'm almost eighteen
Which means adulthood! Woo! Part-ay!
But! Nothing will change too much
I mean, I'll still be responsible
I'll never smoke or drink (duh)
But more importantly--

I'll never stop loving You <3

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy(:

"Sweet Relief"

Oh, Sweet Relief, I'll look forward to you
Now that my heart is no longer a puppet.
I've ripped out the strings that had been tied to my limbs,
And I've taken the puppet master down.
Now I feel content.

Oh, Sweet Relief, course through my lungs in a deep sigh
Make me feel a deep satisfaction for my doings.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
I feel it.
I'm satisfied with what I did.
I don't deserve to be manipulated.
I don't deserve to be fooled with
Or played around with like a toy.
I'm more than that.

Oh, Sweet Relief, it's all over now
And none of it was my fault.
I did everything right.
I won't let it bother me any longer.
I have a heart, and I know how to use it.
I don't take advantage of others feelings.
I don't toy with others emotions.
I will never take a person for granted.
I'm better than that.

Oh, Sweet Relief, everything feels good
I know it'll probably catch up to me soon
Like when I'm all alone with time to think
But that's natural.
I'm only human.
But it won't get me down
I have the upper hand

Because..

I was never the weak one.

She was.

Revised Vesion of "Inner Conflict"

"Ahh, This Always Happens"


I should've known that this would happen
I should've known that I'd get shot.
It's always inevitable
Whether I believe it or not.

Why didn't I see it coming?
How could I not suspect it from the start?
I guess I let that thing in my chest take over
Oh, I should've never believed in my heart.

What made me believe that you were different?
What made me think to let you in?
Because right now, I'm conflicted
I don't even know where to begin.

Every thought in my head is jumbled
And now, I really don't know what to do
As of right now, I'm still wondering
Whatever made me believe in you.

Because you drove a car right through my heart
You drove a knife straight through my chest
You took a hammer to my head
And now I have nothing to believe in.

You should've told me from the beginning
You shouldn't have lead me to believe
That I would be alright holding your hand
As I wore my heart upon my sleeve.

When the scene breaks down
I guess I'm the real fool
I'm just a love sick puppy
Who thought she could believe in you.

"On This Rainy Day"

Drops of rain tear off from the clouds
Falling to the pavement in puddles
Dirt turns to mud.
Flowers begin to grow.
Roads become flooded.
Down the rain pours in heaps of bliss
Calm.
Peaceful.
Serene.

Tears are breaking away from the sky
Crashing to the pavement in waves
Sunshine turns to clouds.
Smiles begin to fade.
Conflict rolls on in.
Hurt.
Disturbed.
Distressed.

My whole world has flooded
..and I'm not quite sure if I can swim.

"Today" April 30th, 2012

I think something has come over me
Correct me if I'm wrong
Today I feel differently than yesterday
I feel more content.
More alive.
I feel lighter than usual.
Where did this suddenly arise from?
I don't know.
But what I do know is
Is that I want to jump for joy
Reach my arms into the air and twirl
I want to run around like a crazy person
Screaming with happiness to let the world know
That I'm happy today.
I don't care whether you care or not
Because I care. I care a lot.
Deep breaths in. Deep breaths out.
I feel content somehow.
And no, there doesn't have to be a reason why.

(:

"A Ponder"

I can no longer feel the spring in her step
Why has it gone away?
I can no longer hear her words of advice
Why doesn't she say anything?

She use to echo in my ear until the sun went down
But now the sun never sets.
She use to follow my dreams until the moon drew low
But now the moon stays lit.

I use to see her when I painted pictures with the stars
Now I wonder if I'm blind.
I use to wait for her because she use to wait for me
But it seems she has left me behind.

"Fatigue"

I'm so tired of feeling like this
It's building up--I just can't fight it
Giving all of my strength to stand
Just to end up on my knees again.

I've become jaded trying to hide this
I'm burning down--I just can't win it
You could tell, if you looked in my eyes
I'm an artificial smile who just wants to cry.

I'm slowly forfeiting every inch of myself
As I lavish through life being someone else
If you're wondering why I suppress each thought
It's because I've never reckoned to tell anyone.

I've never really starved for any attention
I've never really required any admiration
All I wish is for what I've already done
Though sometimes I wish I could open up.

When I discharge myself into my poetry
I'm actually yearning for someone to interpret me
'Cause I'm stalling for that person who will understand
And it's that person who'll pull me to my feet again.

"Keep Standing Tall"

If life is made for so much more
Then why do you feel like this?
You tell me your life has reached a dead end
And that you're pretty much done with it.

What did life ever do to you
To make you wish that you would die?
What ever happened to make you believe
That dying is worth a try?

Why do you keep everything hidden?
I wish you wouldn't disguise your frown
Why do you think, in order to be happy,
You just have to push it down?

It doesn't have to be that way
You know, there are people who care
Though it's hard to find them all
You know that I'll always be there.

I'll always be there to catch you
Whenever you trip and fall
I'll even be there to pick you up
Whenever you can't stand tall.

All you have to do is reach out to me
And, I promise, I'll grab your hand
I'll pull you away from all of your fears
And I'll help you stand again.

I'll make you see that life is worth it
Even if that might seem moot
I promise, if you gave me the chance
I'll show how many people love you.

I guess when it comes right down to it,
I really only beg one thing
I only want for you to be happy
And that you always come back to me.

Because..

I'll always be here for you.

<3

"Deep Down"

 
I can feel it building inside of me
It's making its way to the surface
But I'll make sure that I swallow it down
Because that seems to work out the best.

I hide it behind every smile
I hear it echo after every time I laugh
I can see it tattooed itself into my bluish-grey eyes
Perhaps it’s all I have left.

The mirror always shatters but you'll never see it break.

It's hard when I can't sleep soundly at night
And if I were to say that I dream the night away
I wouldn't remember the last time:

The last time I laid down to rest
Or the last time I was able to smile
Without this violent heartache in my chest.

The curtain always falls but the show will never end.

The nightmares that appear even though I’m awake
I’ve grown to ignore them all.
All of these tremors that crumble beneath me
Forced me to walk before I could crawl.

I can feel the earth dissipating underneath my feet
And so I’m forced to walk on the cracks
I can barely see through these watered down eyes
While the weight of the world breaks my back.

The shadow grows when the sun goes down.

Alone.. Alone.. Isn’t everyone alone?
Even when philosophy says that we can’t survive on our own.
I’m surrounded by people, yet they take miles to reach
Even though it takes them but two steps to get to me…